The Foolproof Guide To Becoming A Guru – Part 2

Fake Guru Guide
So you’ve amplified your little bathroom epiphany into a full-blown enlightenment orgasm, you’ve created an indecipherable teaching and convinced a few blokes that you are the Real Shree Sri McCoy-ji. You’ve painstakingly followed all the instructions in The Foolproof Guide To Becoming A  Guru – Part I, and you think it’s finally time to have your aching feet washed in rose-water… But wait! The critical phase is about to begin. Here’s the insider’s guide by GD and me to Livin’ La Vida Guru Loka!

1) Destroy the Competition:
Constantly discourse that all other teachings are superficial and all other teachers are caught in various degrees of self-deception. (Note: Dead teachers should be praised freely). Also, any student who leaves or wants to explore something else is an idiot.
In short, present yourself as the only broker for enlightenment on this planet. You are the only socket to plug them to the Source. You are the only real-true-capable master… the rest are all frauds, thieves and delusional monkeys!

2) Disciple of The Week Award:
Let your disciples compete for your attention and affection. Create situations where disciples compete for intangibles like a place in front of the podium or leftovers from your plate. Public reward and punishment is key to this. Remind students that he who has the microphone and the big flowing beard is always right! Keep them well-behaved by never letting them know exactly where they stand and how much they have evolved. And for your own job perks, remind every attractive student that “a true disciple never says no”.

3) ‘For Your Own Good’:
Let this phrase be the chorus line of all your songs. I am making you work for free… for your own good. I am taking all your money… for your own good. I am publicly humiliating you… for your own good. I am exploring tantric poses with your girlfriend… for your own good. And one day you will thank me for it! (Repeat 2x.) A superb variation of this strategy is: “This is what your soul is asking for.” Try arguing your way out of that!

4) Elevate the Sheep:
Reward the disciples who become more and more like sheep, or mindless robots – whichever comes first. If they show symptoms of independent thought, deal with it firmly because that obviously comes from their ego. But be a little devious about it: Tell disciples to trust their inner voice — but only after you translate it for them!

5) Spiritualize All Your Desires:
You may have a pertinent question here: how to maintain your specialness even after disciples see you blundering day after day? Here’s how this simple, fool-proof technique goes: “Since you are pure consciousness, everything you do is blameless. And since they are not yet awakened, everything they do comes from ego!”
There, now you have a license to be rude, angry, jealous, greedy, insecure and screw around while still being awakened. Enlightenment means never having to say you’re sorry… or wrong, or confused, or depressed, or horny!

6) Glamorize Suffering:
In time, some followers will get really stressed in their quest to appease your impossible standards. Some may begin to suspect their constant unhappiness is a sign that they are not on the right track. So do not – we repeat – do not make happiness or love or peace the yardsticks to measure progress! Instead, keep telling them that the more they suffer, the more they are evolving! Reframe all their dullness and depression as ‘dark night of the soul’ or ‘part of the ascension process’. Tell them stories of how much people in the past have suffered and cried for enlightenment, and keep them addicted to the struggle.

7) Be a “Non-Guru” Guru:
See, here’s a tricky point. If you run a business, you need to show results. So how do you keep people hooked for decades onto an enlightenment carrot with no proof of success? Simple — don’t ever call yourself a Guru! Demand respect and obedience like a guru, but insist that you are just a normal guy. Tell them: “You are my real gurus.” (Not too often, else they may start believing you.) Emphasize repeatedly that you don’t really want to be a guru – and that a true master suffers the power, worship, dollars and threesomes only for his devotees’ sake!

The Bottom Line:
One, make sure the students constantly realise they are spiritually inferior to you. Use large doses of judgement, criticism and complaint. Keep ‘em small, keep ‘em seeking, keep ‘em hooked.
Two, keep them scared for their future outside of your safe little chalk circle; in the name of freedom, teach them a new kind of bondage.
Three, anyone who leaves should instantly be demoted to the status of ‘lost soul trapped once again by worldly desires’.

So there, with a little help, becoming a guru can be as easy as one-two-three. And if all your disciples escape in any case, then announce with deep sadness: “Nobody wants the real thing. People are not ready for the truth.” With this simple declaration, you can still continue to be right… and superior to the rest of the human race. Then you can move to another country and start again from Step 1.  

In the meantime, just be careful that you don’t bump into a real master – one who may be lovingly and insightfully using some devices just like these to transform people’s lives.

[Coming Sometime Soon: The Foolproof Guide to Being A Fake Disciple – How to suck up to your spiritual teacher, dump all responsibility for your life on him and blame him when everything goes wrong!]

*

25 thoughts on “The Foolproof Guide To Becoming A Guru – Part 2

  1. This keeps getting better I just noticed a beautiful shift Aalif.. From ‘my mentor GD’ to GD and me! Awesome .. That for me speaks volumes and tells me finally that u and him have let go of what Osho called the last game. And I am reminded of the session when this question was raised .. Remember? . The penny seems to have dropped. And love can breathe the free air .. Hugs to both of you, dear brothers..

    • Thanks for the hugs, K. And for the chance to clarify a subtle but important point for everyone reading this post. The idea behind this blog post is to use humor to expose subtle devices some (fake) gurus could use. It is not meant to trash all mentors, teachers, masters & gurus. There are many out there doing an amazing job.

      I am personally more than happy to call GD my “mentor” for the function he serves so beautifully in my life. Just wanted to clarify that for anyone else who is ascribing far more enlightenment to me than I have at this point 🙂

      Thanks & Return Hugs.

      • I think this is a brilliant clarification. I am also happy to call GD my mentor.
        And also, One of my dear friends refused to read this .. and I had to explain to her that this is not writing of all gurus. But ‘fake’ gurus as you mention!
        In fact, the author, a dear friend himself has been with gurus.

  2. If part 1 was very good, this is even better. I just loved the writing.
    I especially liked this note : “(Note: Dead teachers should be praised freely).” in point number 1. How funny!
    Keep writing!

  3. Loved this one! 🙂 But especially thanks to your comment to Kiran…I was almost beginning to apply this to my mentors… 😉
    Lots of love.

  4. Thanks a lot..Shocking to see in myself,Few of these were hidden. very kind of you for showing it. Sorry that i considered the first part as funny..Eagerly waiting for ”The Foolproof Guide to Being A Fraud Disciple”

  5. Pingback: Best Moments Award | Yoga With Maheshwari

  6. Pingback: The Foolproof Guide to Becoming a Guru | A Green(ish) Life

  7. I like the humor in this. It kind of reminds me of the documentary Kumare, and also the film PK.

    It’s a nice reminder too, for seekers to be more discerning of what and who to believe, for there are many ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’ right now, especially with the boom of the ‘spiritual industry.’

    Thanks for sharing.

  8. Pingback: Foolproof Guide to Becoming a Guru | drkness

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s