In the last one year, when Life has chosen me to live outside the 9-to-9 corporate rollercoaster, I have found many happy things happening: I laugh more, I read books again, I eat healthier food, I sleep well, I roughhouse on the bed with my son, I draw and paint and write poems and I connect my bare feet with the earth as often as I can.
And it has had one unexpected side effect: I also cry more.
A few months ago, GD observed that the energy in my throat area was choked with un-cried tears. I realized that I had been holding them back for many days so as not to upset my family – what would they think? And I was also denying it to myself – if I cry it means admitting that I have screwed up my life!
GD advised me to find a time when I could be alone and undisturbed and to help it along with some music. “The main thing to remember is: don’t get into thinking about it,” he advised. “The cause is not relevant. It is just the mind trying to fit a reason to something that is beyond it. And after an hour, stop. You can continue the next day if you still feel like there is some charge left.”
It continued for three days for me, each day becoming lighter and more difficult to cry. After those three days, I never felt so light – like my body was a clear, empty sky. And since then, every couple of weeks, whenever I feel drawn to it, I find my alone space and put on my ipod ‘slow & mellow’ playlist. And after an hour, I stop.
Logically, this seems like an aberration during the happiest phase of my life but emotionally, it is not. Crying doesn’t feel like a last-resort-breakdown anymore, it feels like an overflow of emotion, which is part of being a whole person.
And it makes me wonder why there is such a conspiracy against crying – I even feel a little bit ashamed to reveal all this – crying is a sign of defeat, failure, regret, losing in life. For men, crying is the ultimate sign of feminine weakness – don’t cry like a girl! Advertisements glorify the happy yuppie with the absurdly happy wife, kids and labrador bounding alongside. Our tears, we hide from our families and ourselves until it hangs around like a dark well in our energy field, and our eyes don’t smile even when our lips do.
But it doesn’t need to be like that. And tears don’t have to be locked up in our deepest dungeons. And there is another layer of crying underneath the crusty layer of long-repressed tears which is natural, beautiful and yes… even happy.